My life is brilliant: Another bad song rant.

So. I have been listening to some older-newer songs lately, and one that keeps playing is "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. Now, I don't know if I'm the only one that thinks this song is ridiculous, and yet somehow oddly sing-alongable, but I wanted to explain my take on it... which basically equates to me tearing it to pieces and saying in a booming voice over a megaphone, "I COULD WRITE BETTER SONG LYRICS THAN THIS, JAMES!"

Here are the lyrics.

                                                                "You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant. 

(This always sounds like he's not sure when his own song is starting.)
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Wait a second. She's with another guy, and your plan is what, exactly? To give up? Because a)that's a good idea if she's got a bf, and b)that's exactly what it sounds like from the chorus. Your plan is that you won't know what to do. Great plan, James.
Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high.
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'til the end.

For whom? She probably caught the eye of about 8,000 other people that day, too, judging from the fact that she was on the subway and seems generally friendly smiling at people while she's there.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

The line about the angel gets me every time. Like, there's an angel who's like, "Hey, these two people should totally be together." And is smiling while saying it. Only, that angel actually sucks at her (or his) angelness because whoops, the two never ACTUALLY become a couple. This guy is so hot and cold in this song! "We're meant to be together, but I'll never see you again, but you smiled at me once and looked at me once and that was a life-changing moment only we'll never be in each other's presence again, but somewhere there's a really diabolically-minded angel concocting plans that don't work out and that's awesome."

Yep. His life is brilliant.

So... I don't often write about normal life events, but can I just say that this summer has been absolutely insane? It has been so full of adventure and disaster and love and loss... and many, many seafood nachos.
Today in particular was a day for the books. Or the blogs. Blogs, as  the case may be, because this would actually be way too short for a book.

I digress.

This morning, I came to work for basically no purpose. I was supposed to drive people to and from the train, which wasn't coming in. Because Guess What? Last week it rained so much that there were rockslides near the tracks at Talkeetna, meaning the train couldn't get through to Denali. So we (meaning dispatch, not actually me) insanely worked to get all our guests to and from their destinations via motorcoach, which was a feat in and of itself and involved several days of overtime... But again, that was last week. Today I was also supposed to do a tour in Cantwell, which was canceled because conveniently, that area was flooded.

Then, this happened.

http://newsminer.com/bookmark/20232668-1-shot-manhunt-under-way-on-Parks-Highway-north-of-Healy

Yyyyyyeah.
So, the "Dome Home Bed and Breakfast" mentioned? Less than a mile away from my apartment. I walk past it every Sunday on my way to church. In fact, I live on Healy Spur Road, right next to Parks Highway.  Mt. View Liquor and Grocery Store is where I go almost bi-daily (if that's even a word) to get snacks or something. It's literally right behind my dorm.
It's so weird to think that could have been any one of us. Me. A co-worker. A family I probably know from church. It was, not surprisingly, big news to take in.

So then things are kinda slow, obviously, since I have no train to drive for and no tour to run, so I go with Leah and Dustin about a mile down the road to take footage. Because Guess What Else? The Nenana River (which is glacier-fed and a near-constant 36 degrees) has literally risen more than 4 feet overnight. In case you didn't catch that...
The WHOLE River Has Risen.
FOUR FEET.
IN ONE NIGHT.
Are you with me? That's some serious shiz.  The water was even more murky than usual (glacial silt will do that; makes it look like liquid cement), almost opaque... And the waves were SO huge, fast, and threatening. So we went to take videos, of course. We even climbed over the railing. I felt okay doing that, because there was a DOT guy there too, in an orange vest, and he didn't say anything to us about it. In one spot, the shore had been washed away up to about 5 feet from the highway. Most of the bank was much more sturdy than that. This road, by the way, is THE only accessible highway between Anchorage and Fairbanks. And the only accessible road for employees working in Denali to get there from Healy, where we all live (Note: Just remember the train is also not running. For later.).

So, satisfied, we made our way back to the lodge, and I was sent home early (Someone else needed my motorcoach).

Later, I came back to Denali with my roommate. The plan was to do a little shopping and get dinner on property. But what ended up happening was this: We got pictures at the Denali National Park and Preserve sign, which I'm pretty sure someone had relocated. Because it was waaay farther away than I remember. At least, that's what my body told me. We also stopped to take pictures of the river... OH! I forgot a part! When I drove back for the day, the place Dustin and I had been standing a few hours earlier?
Gone.
Washed away.

And all the shops were closed. Well, just as we were about to get dinner, I got a text from another driver saying they were having an emergency meeting because they were about to close the road and they needed to get the employees working a.m. shifts to the lodge, in case they couldn't get there via the road the next morning. Some of us, like me, stayed (or rather, returned) to Healy on the employee shuttle. There was a sign that said "ROAD DAMAGE" and they only let a few cars past at a time because of the flooding. It made for a very frenzied evening. I learned some important things, like "Always be polite, even in an emergency", "Keep a sense of humor", and "Get your food storage ready." And also, "If anyone needs a Christmas tree, I saw several float down the river today. If you're fast enough, you could find them in the Yukon River before the holidays."

Quicksand: The Best Eco-Friendly Idea Ever.

The bad news is, quicksand sucks in your children and your children's children!

The good news is, it also sucks in all your old garbage. 

Who needs landfills? Let's just invest in quicksand! 

Gosh. Sometimes I'm really very convinced I should be running something important, like a business, or the world.

Mt. Everest: An extensive look at handicap accessibility

I lied. It's not extensive at all. Just wanted to post that as my university studies draw to a close, my math skills are improving proportionally. For example (and I'm sure many of you have also had a yearning to know the answer to this question as well), I wanted to know how long the ramp would need to be to legally access the peak of Mt. Everest if one were disabled. If my math serves me, at 29,028 feet from base to peak, and with a national standard of wheelchair ramps being at a 1:12 ratio, the ramp would need to be 60.3 miles long. (Just so ya know, I took Math 110 twice). 

So.... That's all handy dandy, but can you imagine actually looking up at that and being like, wow, I have to wheel over 60 miles? ALL UPHILL? That's more than Mt. Everest itself! And on the way back, well, you'd be a human bowling ball, without bumpers. Yipes. But here's to equal opportunity!

Napoleon Dynamite Legislation: I Am Really Not Making This Up.

I came upon this legitimate bill from 2005, passed by the Idaho House of Representatives about our very own home-grown Napoleon Dynamite. Given that I worked as a page for the legislature in high school, I found this bill particularly, well... it made me giggle. Enjoy!!!


IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO.29


A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION STATING LEGISLATIVE FINDINGS AND COMMENDING JARED AND JERUSHA HESS AND THE CITY OF PRESTON FOR THE  PRODUCTION OF THE MOVIE "NAPOLEON DYNAMITE."


BE IT RESOLVED by the Legislature of the State of Idaho:


WHEREAS, the State of Idaho recognizes the vision, talent and creativity of Jared and Jerusha Hess in the writing and production of "Napoleon Dynamite"; and


WHEREAS, the scenic and beautiful city of Preston, County of Franklin and the State of Idaho are experiencing increased tourism and economic growth; and


WHEREAS, film maker Jared Hess is a native Idahoan who was educated in the Idaho public school system; and


WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and


WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's most famous export; and


WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered multiethnic relationships; and


WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air quality and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transportation; and


WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights a long-honored Idaho vacation destination; and


WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and  glamour shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha is an example of the importance of the visual arts in K-12 education; and


WHEREAS, the school-wide Preston High School student body elections foster an awareness in Idaho's youth of public service  and civic duty; and


WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club and the requirements that candidates for school president present a skit is an example of the importance of theater arts in K-12 education; and


WHEREAS, Pedro's efforts to bake a cake for Summer illustrate the positive connection between culinary skills to lifelong relationships; and


WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce and Idaho's technology-driven industry; and


WHEREAS, Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding shows Idaho's commitment to healthy marriages; and


WHEREAS, the prevalence of cooked steak as a primary food group pays tribute to Idaho's beef industry; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools; and


WHEREAS, Tina the llama, the chickens with large talons, the 4-H  milk cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and


WHEREAS, any member of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the  risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"


NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House  of Representatives and the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural culture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the House of Representatives and the Senate of the State of Idaho, advocate always following your heart, and thus we eagerly await the next cinematic undertaking of Idaho's Hess family.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the Chief Clerk of the House of Representatives be, and she is hereby authorized and directed to forward a copy of this resolution to Jared and Jerusha Hess, the  Mayor of the City of Preston and the Principal of Preston High School.


PASSED by the Idaho State Legislature on April 6, 2005.
YEA votes: 69
NAY votes: 0
ABSENT: 1


My favorite parts: 1: Steak is now a food group. 2: The veiled threat at the end. 3: CHICKENS WITH LARGE TALONS AND THE HONEYMOON STALLION! Kills me every time! 4: Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha 5: Kip was on rollerblades (I'm totally writing to my local government officials for an amendment to this bill) 6:Pulling your brother behind your bike also counts as carpooling. 7: "A long honored Idaho vacation destination (I burned my math book there once... Does that count?)


   

Things I am Learning from Working with Infants and Toddlers

I am doing an internship with infants and toddlers in an Early Head Start program. I love these little guys. Some days are admittedly better than others. The following are things I have learned from them. This is, so far, an all-inclusive list:
NUMBER ONE: ANYTHING can be a weapon. Clay. A piece of paper. A beanbag. A washcloth. A child's hand. The ground. And teeth... A portable, permanent weapon, provided we keep teaching them to brush and floss.

NUMBER TWO: ANYTHING can and will be turned into a food item. Clay. A piece of paper. Stickers. Paint. Another child's arm. The edges of every surface imaginable. Soapy water. But NEVER, NEVER broccoli.

NUMBER THREE: Children will begin experiencing peer pressure once they are old enough either to wield a weapon or  put things into their mouth (See numbers one and two).

This is actually from this summer. My bad.

I got to see the Northern Lights tonight. They seemed at first to originate from two distinct points on the horizon, gradually and gracefully filling the space between until they converged into one solid ribbon of emerald light. I say solid but it never was... Just as fire retains no shape, neither do these brilliant, dancing streams. Some were misty and vague in their edges. Others were like the ivory of a piano, the colors and depth of illumination changing so quickly from one ray to the next that they took on the appearance of arpeggios, as if we were being allowed to witness the underpinnings of some cosmic, celestial melody.  The effect was unlike I had ever seen and rendered me awestruck instantly... Some of the rays curled out into beautiful whispers, perfectly framing the true Northern Light and its brother the Big Dipper. How complete it looked then! Soon the gleams evolved into rays that appeared to be conduits straight into heaven. Wanting a better vantage point, I lay down and nearly gasped at the enormity of it all. Truly, I saw a light exactly above my head, which descended gradually until it fell upon me, and though it was not a grandiose vision of God, it was a tender glimpse at His handiwork, and I more fully understood my relationship to Him--That I am loved by Him and that He appreciates and honors my love for Him as well. I shared the experience with two of my dear eternal friends, Dustin and Angela, among others, and I know I felt a sense of what it means to have Heavenly Father's love. It marks one of the most breathtaking, contented, and fulfilled moments of my life. Just witnessing it was enough. 

A man-maid building

I've written once about how to speak underwater....

On that same topic, we must discuss mermen.

Or, as a kid my sister babysat called them.....

Man-maids.

Which brings a whole new meaning to the term "manmade ______"...

"Man-maid dam" ... Sure, just stack them up like sardines! They'll make a GREAT dam.

"Man-maid disaster", etc. I mean, we could run with this for decades.

Cantwell, Alaska

In my many attempts at world reform, I have started a very rudimentary letter to the governer of Alaska, where I currently reside. It concerns the city of Cantwell.

Cantwell, just fyi, has two bars and a million falling apart trailer homes. And by a million I mean about twelve. And by homes I mean condemned space. There were exactly two people in Cantwell's 2010 graduating class. Besides being a completely remote location of possibly, what.... 35 citizens, I attribute the educational count to the name of the city:

Cantwell.

Can't well.

What a downer!

The name was given for the Cantwell River, later named the Nenana River (the no-fish-in-it river, in native Athabaskan).. So I feel no remorse in suggesting (strongly, with backup troops and extra artillery) a change in the name. To something like.....

Well......

Can well!

Or Mightaswell....

Or Verywell.....

Or It'sjustaswell.....

Or Ohwell.

Something else, to give the citizens of Cantwell hope in their currently glacier-coated hopes and dreams.

"...I'd Throw My Hand on a Blade for Ya..."

Wow... So I have listened to Bruno Mars' song "Grenade", which is laughable in all respects, including the tender and empathetic words, "I would catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah yeah), I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), you know I'd do any-THANG for ya... I would die for you baby, but you won't do the same!" Like... Yeah.... I mean, I have been in love before, and yes, I would lay down my life, but does it seem like to anybody else that maybe, just maybe, he is suggesting that he would JUST do these things to prove his love? Like, I can imagine his beloved as a bystander to all of this. "Listen, I just wanted to go on a romantic walk on the tracks, okay, but there's a YOU IDIOT THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!!! What are you.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And then she's much happier, obviously, because of all he did for her, only she's left with a horrific trauma she's gotta deal with AND she's boyfriend-widowed. Awesome. Plus, we all know that jumping in front of a train is effective in stopping the train in 100% of all reported cases.

So, with no further ado, I have decided to "tweak" the lyrics, adding some of my own, but most of these come from my sister Andi. We went back and forth texting lyrics for like an hour (Which made the Paul Mitchell student who was cutting my hair unsure of what to think of me, because I kept bursting out in fits of laughter):

*I would steal back your slave for ya,

*I would get lost in a maze for ya,

*Think up alternative names for ya,

*I'd win games at an arcade for ya...

*And I would be an old maid for ya,

*I'd do your work for a grade for ya,

*Have my pets neutered or spayed for ya,

*I'd take out my hearing aid for ya...

(p.s. Bob Barker would be so proud of the controlling the pet population bit)

*Have th'electric chair stayed for ya,

*Went to a movie and paid for ya,

*I sprayed the room with some Glade for ya,

*I sang a song in a p'rade for ya...

*I wore a fancy beret for ya,

*Hate-ED your play but I stayed for ya,

*I sold your kid on eBay for ya,

*And I went on a tirade for ya...

*I wrote a song that I played for ya,

*I dug up Grandma's remains for ya,

*I fell on a rollerblade for ya,

*I'd put my beard in a braid for ya...

*Took your se-CRET to the grave for ya,

*I squeezed some fresh lemonade for ya,

*I gave up my Gatorade for ya,

*And I went on a blind date for ya...

*I found your kitten who strayed for ya,

*Gave you some candy I saved for ya,

*I'll teach your grandma first aid for ya,

*I'll plant a bomb that I made for ya...

*I got an old scar to fade for ya,

*I bowled a 188 for ya,

*I put this cheese on a grate for ya,

*I moved to a brand new state for ya...

*I smashed Mom's new china plate for ya,

*Came to my wedding quite late for ya,

*I got a low interest rate for ya,

*Stayed up til quarter past eight for ya...

*I found the Army's the fate for ya,

*Balancedthis meal on a plate for ya,

*Stole from collection plates for ya,

*I squished this worm for some bait for ya...

(More to come, as if this isn't enough. It's addicting!)

In Case of Fire: Childhood Confusion

My sisters and I were taking a leisurely trip into the booming metropolis of Rexburg when we saw a sign on the side of the road:
"DO NOT PASS"
My 11-year old sister said that she used to think that it meant you couldn't pass the sign. This obviously made me laugh, but it's because I USED TO THINK THE SAME THING. Like, why do they even have road past the sign if you can't pass it anyways? I'd say, "We passed the DO NOT PASS sign!" and Mom acted like it wasn't even a big deal (appalled face)!

Of course, this was not the only area in which I found myself particularly... well, blonde...
I have always had a fear of being caught unprepared in a fire... Sometimes irrationally. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Paepke, may she rest in peace, had a tub full of pillows in the back of the room and when your turn came to be "vice president", you got to take your shoes off and spend the afternoon in the claw tub reading or whatever. But while most kids looked forward to spending time in there, I was frightened of the concept. I was just SURE that while I was in there, a fire would erupt and I would have to get out of the tub and out of the building without my shoes on. I had this fear that my feet would somehow burst into flames or that I'd be stuck standing in the snow barefoot while my alma mater incinerated. Yup... That was me as a child. lol

In my elementary school there were fire alarms all over. Well, instead of reading "Pull in case of fire", they said "Pull for fire". I was petrified of even going near them because I thought if I pulled it, it would START a fire. Childhood nightmares are woven by such misconceptions.

When I got older (and over my fear of the fire alarms), I saw something else that caught my attention. It was a fire extinguisher in a case that had written on the outside, "In case of fire, break glass with shoe". On the surface this is a wonderful idea. It keeps people from punching the glass and getting glass shards all up in their fists in a panic. But you KNOW there's gotta be that one daft guy who, instead of kicking the glass, actually takes his shoe off to bust into it. This leaves him with more problems than he started out with. He doesn't have a shoe on anymore, for one thing, AND there's glass all over the floor, AND there's still a fire in the building, AND he has to figure out how to use the fire extinguisher while simultaneously trying to put his shoe back on. I just hope I'm not the one in the claw tub in THAT building when it catches fire. lol

Horrific Christmas Song Lyrics: A Rant

I, like many of you, bask in the Christmas season... The lights, the gift wrapping, and the general feeling of well-being that accompanies this time of year. It is my favorite time of year by far. But I, like many of you, have my goat gotten (it gets my goat?) by the fact that radio stations start playing Christmas music on Halloween, sometimes before (No white or White Christmas BEFORE Labor Day is My vote). The songs are of happiness, of Santa, and of a lot of other stuff that makes me laugh every time I hear it. So here is my list of awful song lyrics, for your consideration:

Disclaimer: I actually adore singing Christmas hymns and songs of the Savior and lament that it's only once a year that we actually sing them. The following is a list that, with few exceptions, has little to do with the actual birth of Christ.

Little St. Nick (Beach Boys):
"Christmas comes this time each year."
In case you wondered, Christmas is NOT, in fact, a semi-annual event.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:
"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago."
Now, my question is, who tells ghost stories at Christmas? It may have originally coincided with a pagan holiday, but really? We think this might be in reference to the ghosts of A Christmas Carol, but I still find it ridiculous. :)

What Child is This?:
"Haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of..... Mary."
I can just imagine the lyrics committee on this one... "Hey, can you think of anything that rhymes with 'laud' that would be a Parent of the baby Jesus? No?... Well, okay, we'll put in Mary." It is the only line that doesn't rhyme in the whole song.

Santa Claus Comes Tonight (Elvis):
"So let's give thanks to the Lord above, cuz Santa Claus comes tonight."
Um..... Elvis...... I think your logic might be a little... flawed.

Mary, Did You Know:
Pretty much the whole song. Considering an angel visited both her AND Joseph about the importance of the Savior's birth, I'm pretty sure she knew.

After thinking these up on my own, I took a poll of what others considered the weirdest/most annoying Christmas songs. I was SHOCKED at the passion of these people and their hate for certain Christmas "songs". I didn't mean to bring out so much angst, I promise.. But here's the list:

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... When I was little I had to sing that, because I lost my two front teeth. I was so mad." ~Andrea

Dominique the Donkey! This one got a few votes, and I'm inclined to agree. Cute, yes... Relevant in any way, not really. I did, however, get this helpful bit of knowledge... "Although the donkey is a part of Italian culture, I'm pretty sure they would be appalled by that song. In Italy or the northern part, St. Nicholas has a donkey, and to show appreciation, you leave food out for the donkey." ~Alesha

The Holly and the Ivy... When I was a child (this was not a part of the poll, just a personal side note), I thought the line that said, "The running of the deer" said "The ROTTING of the deer"... It always grossed me out.

I had several votes for "Santa Baby", which is probably the furthest from Christmas you can get, but we agreed that it is also funny depending on the mood you're in.

Okay, and I have to put one in for The Christmas Shoes song. While it makes my mother cry, it only makes me roll my eyes. Here's this mom dying, and her son is, where? Is he by his dying mother's side? NO! He's out buying her shoes. Does she even know where he is? Does the dad care? Is the dad even there? If not, this kid's got lots more to do than buy shoes... like... be put up for adoption (Don't hate. I know this is insensitive. Just sayin it like it is.).

"I have a hard time taking 'Little Drummer Boy' seriously cuz of the pa rum pa rum pum or whatever it is." ~Brittney
Also for this song: "It is weird and has nothing to do with the Christmas story and the events being described are like a pipe dream. Plus, the song has no discernible ending."~Keil
I wonder what mother would be okay with a kid playing a drum around her newborn baby. Just sayin.
"I hate 'The Little Drummer Boy'. Where in the scriptures does it talk about a drum?" ~Kimberly

Okay, I also just found, with a little help from my family (Also, I have been reminded that the non-fitting-in-the-meter lyrics of "What Child Is This" was Andi's idea), THE LEAST CHRISTMASY CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!! First of all, it's by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. What a combo! And its lyrics are, in part, as follows:

You've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Strangers meet and willingly surrender
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Almost went to Aspen but something told me no
I considered Mammoth but there wasn't enough snow
And I even thought of Gattlinburg but that seemed so far to go
So I headed up to Tahoe for a Christmas on the slopes.

And I had fantasized about Christmas in this way
Curled up by a fireplace in a Tahoe ski chalet
With a fast talking lover with some slow burning wood
But even in my wildest dreams it never got this good.

And you've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Change the radio and I'll turn the lights down dimmer
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Yipes! It reminds me of the scene in Love Actually when there are whales and Spiderman-kings and more than one lobster in the Nativity play!

"'Frosty the Snowman'! It's the thumpity thump thump part that kinda weirds me out."~Aimee

"I don't care for 'Happy Holidays' as it's rather politically correct."~Adam

There were SO MANY votes for "Last Christmas.", for the following reasons:
"The way the guy says 'special' is just creepy." ~Christa
(Also have you ever noticed the guy says "gev" instead of "gave", EVERY TIME?)
I gev you my heart...
"Yeah... What is this, a black market for organs? That doesn't even jive within the structure of the metaphor!" ~Matthew

"'I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas'... No one actually wants a hippo, they are ginormous and even though they are vegetarians, I think they could still kill me." ~Skyla
Someone else submitted one but quickly sent this instead: "NO!! I HATE!!! the song, 'I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!' I hate it. And I find it silly. In a bad way." ~Scott
Also, thank you to About.com for the following information: "Despite being a vegetarian, the hippo is responsible for more human fatalities in Africa than any other animal, making it Africa's most dangerous beast."

"I'm not too good with titles. 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake' should raise all sorts of red flags." ~Matthew

"O Christmas Tree. Because I'm not German." ~Scott

"'Santa, Baby'. Isn't he married, and not so easily flattered?" ~Christopher

"'Baby, It's Cold Outside'. It's a date rape song." ~Delaina
Say, what's in this drink? And she wants to go but he wants her to stay... It's awful. I never saw it this way, but I'm sure I'll never see it the same way again.

"The 'Do you hear what I hear?' song. It's a travesty." ~Jenny
Along with her duly noted opinion, I wonder why the shepherds don't freak out when the sheep starts talking. But I guess the song wouldn't be as effective if it said, "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, 'Baaaaaaaaaa.'

"'The 12 Days of Christmas'. Everyone and their dog has their own version of it."~Katie A.

"'Bring the Torch, Jeanette, Isabella.' Why can't I bring the torch? I would be really good!" ~Katie F.
I told her that was an excellent idea and she said she would start practicing a week before. I said to start small, like with a lighter or something and she said, "Baby steps. I will start with my phone lit up."

"Also, anything by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand should be RIGHT OUT, not even considered Christmas songs. They're Jewish! Capitalizing on the birth of someone you don't even believe in... Come on now."~Andi

"The weird one is 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. It killed my faith in Santa. And it made me think of my mom as an unfaithful woman and Santa as a homewrecker."~Grisel

"I saw 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' on the official KKK website during the holiday season back in high school once." ~Matthew

So thank you all for your holiday cheer, we'll see if next year brings anything new!

"What?! I'm fired? I only snaze..."

I had a dream once. I use the word "dream" very loosely, because it was more like a psychological disturbance, a kink in the REM waves or something. It was about a rat factory. Prior to my dream, I had never known there to be such a thing, nor would I think about rats at length. In fact, among my top five fears (which also includes job interviews) are mice in the house. The entire dream was drab, gray, and looked like an illustration Stephen Gammell would do (see http://jschancellor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/scarystorysamsnewpet-1.jpg). My job as a rat factory worker was to separate the dead rats from the live rats. COULD THERE BE A WORSE JOB?
I submit that there can. Or at least, one that's neck-and-neck. And that is...
A feather packaging plant.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "Kami (actually, you would say "Self", since you're asking yourself...lol), how could working with soft, downy feathers compare to taking rats off a conveyor belt?" But just consider this. If you sneeze, feathers would go E-VE-RY-WHERE. Drafts, same sad story. An 8-hour a day shift of that would be enough to drive anyone to the madhouse (where hopefully they are down pillow-less)! I wonder what staff meetings are like for feather-packing employees. For some reason I picture the managing staff like the aunts on James and the Giant Peach... One, really tall, gangly, and spectacled and the other short, stout, and ornery. Both in suits, both ready with tazer in hand.
"Do not sneeze. If you sneeze, you will be terminated.
Do not open doors. If you open a door, you will be terminated.
Do not open windows. If you open a window, you will be terminated.
Do not whistle. If you whistle, you will be terminated.
Do not move unnecessarily. If you move unnecessarily, you will be terminated.
Do not breathe out. Or in. ..."


Which brings me to another point that has nothing to do with rats, Stephen Gammell, or staff meetings, and that is the English language, and, more specifically, a tense I have originally devised. Say the word "breathed". "Breathe-D". It's a horrid noise to add to an innocent atmosphere. So, for each word that has a "long e" sound (for all who are not English buffs, those are words like breathe, leap, sleep), in the past, it is now changed to a "long a" sound, with (and this is important), NO D at the end. For example:
Breathed becomes ---> Brathe (ahhh, isn't that a breath of fresh air? It sounds so much cleaner)
Leaped becomes -----> Lape
etc.

So, in the morning you can say, "I lape into bed last night", or "Hey, I snake up on you, and you didn't even see me", or "Dang, I just brathe in a bug"... Things like that.
Try it out! You won't go back!

Car Confusion

I have a beast of a car, an '85 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. Its name is Moby, because at one point it was a "great white whale". Now it's more of a cream/gold color, but the name stuck. I keep a stuffed whale on the dashboard, I have to hit the radio to get it to work, three of the doors open funny and the fourth doesn't open at all, and it has no headliner so I have people sign my ceiling. It is an old car (heck, maybe I should take that to the Antiques Roadshow!). So, I decided on a brilliant strategy, and that is: Buy a "new car" scented air freshener. That way, people will see my car and say, "Wow, that is an old car." BUT, when they get inside (once they can figure out how to jimmy the doors), they will be more or less transported to a different dimension/generation, and say, "Wait. Is this a new car?" and slyly I will wring my hands, mission accomplished and say, "Yes, why yes it is."

A brand-new car.

Ah, ah, ah (mischievious laughter).

The Rings of Saturn: Truth Revealed

I remember well, learning about astronomy as a child... Making styrofoam ball planets, watching Bill Nye the Science Guy bike to where those planets would be proportionally in the galaxy... Learning mind-riveting facts about each...

Like Saturn. We learned that the rings of Saturn are made of meteor rock and ice, which apparently reflect light much like a rainbow does. I, however, have discovered that science has been deceiving us all along. Through experience, mostly that of losing countless "other" socks and virtually millions of bobby pins, I have made my own discovery, which is that the rings of Saturn are actually made up of just lots of lost stuff. Your dryer is an intergalactic transporter, which keeps only one sock of any given pair and SHOOTS the other one off into space, to be collected into Saturn's rings, where it is held to another by bobby pins. The same rule applies to lost luggage... It is also flung into space. In fact, all those things you say, "Now what did I do with that?" could well be attributed to the same galactic problem. So wonder no more where your screwdriver went, or why you can't seem to locate your 5-year old*. Saturn. It's all about Saturn.

*I do not actually advocate misplacing children and blaming it on a planet.

Some things I wish I'd been the first to think of...

Summer is drawing to a close. I've already gone on a wonderful bike ride, explored my crafty side, worked, and taken a nap today. I also looked up room murals online, for some elusive future day when I am settled down and established. I've also been finding little gems here and there in my search to do so. I wanted to share, because, well, sharing is caring.
I thought this one was hilarious. My brother suggested putting real banana peels, but I thought, yeah, right! I've seen what happens to Peach's little racer when she hits one of those! Just don't hit the blue spiky ball. Those things are a killer!
Aw, dang. I know there's the Engrish thing... But I honestly don't think this is a joke!
This. Is. Ingenious. If only I had had these in my Advanced Spanish Grammar and Comp. class!
These are not gingerbread cookies. These are... Ninjabread cookies. They pack a punch, and probably somehow improve your reflexes by a light year or so.
I am so glad, and yet sad, that someone made this picture before I could. Sad because it means my "original" idea wasn't that original after all... And glad because I have had conversations about this exact topic before. UniCORN? I mean really, shouldn't they be called uniHORNS? No wonder they're extinct now. That stuff is de behst.... "Get that corn outta my face!"
I only wish I could see this in action for real. "Luke, I am your father. And because I am your father, I get to hit the pinata first." *slice and coterize*
"Nooooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Oh, brother. Puns will never die, I suppose. Can't lie though, it made me laugh...

Hope you enjoy! I'm sure more will be on the way.

Swine Time

Pig heads are gross. And I think it's unfortunate that they always seem to die mid-bite. Can't people just let them finish the apple for once?

The Ultimate Antiques Roadshow

Saturday evening used to always bring baths, curlers, and the Lawrence Welk Show. Lawrence Welk is... for old people. Antiques Roadshow, on the other hand is not. Well, not necessarily. It used to be for old (ahem, "experienced") things. You know, people bring in their vases and family heirlooms, tell the story of the item, and get it appraised to see if it will pay for Great Aunt Ethel's estate, since she didn't leave it to you in the will. But I have discovered a way to bring a little.... creativity... to the show.
I want to go onto the set of Antiques Roadshow with my grandparents, or maybe someone else's. At first they will think I've brought them on set so they can see all the "swell" antiques and even get something appraised... But when I get to the front of the line, I will PLUNK the person onto the table and say That's what I want appraised. I admit that this may seem a little unorthodox, but keep in mind I am not SELLING people, I am merely getting them appraised (the decision of whether to sell them or not comes at a later date and after measuring pros and cons on a piece of paper). At any rate, my guess is it will bring in a sweet sum, for many good and valid reasons.
The conversation will go something like this. "This is a completely original item. I got it from my great-grandmother. I still have the certificate of authenticity. It's in its original packaging, and you can tell it's an original by looking at the shape of the nose. There has been some slight discoloration over time in the hair and face, as well as some evidential oxidation in the teeth. There has also been slight damage to the surface through time. Still very valuable, though, as it looks like many others but is, in fact, a one-of-a-kind item."

The only problem is...
Old people that are twins.

Twinkies: The cure-all food

Until a highly credible Internet source ("Big Mama Jane's Shark Shanty Blog") proved me wrong, I was under the assumption that Twinkies had an indefinite shelf life. Or at least a shelf life of a few decades. Under this assumption, I planned on living forever. How?
Well, if I eat enough Twinkies, my body will be so full of preservatives that my body will basically be immortal. Then, after another 20 years or so, BAM, another case of Twinkies (bought in bulk, of course) and I'm good to go for a while more. In this way, I will also maintain my youthful beauty (give or take (meaning give) 50 pounds or so). Lard gives a radiant glow. I've heard they are still good after nuclear blasts! Heck, they probably cure cancer. Okay, maybe not, and Mama Jane says they are only Actually good for 25 days on the shelf... Still, I say it's worth a shot. Just in case.

Oh, and just for information's sake, it only takes 45 seconds to explode a Twinkie in the microwave, says Hostess, and far less than that for your mom to pitch a fit about it.

Also, Mama Jane may or may not exist.

Scientific Theory: Why Women Shop

I have made a scientific discovery! It explains the reasons behind why women feel the impulsive need to shop. And this has real roots. I'm not making this up. I discovered it in my very own brain.
Please forgive the generalization, but I think it is safe to say that women are cleaner than men. We do less dirty work, we are more concerned about fancy gels and nice-smelling body washes, and we wash our hands more because we cook more. And this is where science comes in.
Did you know that the main component of soap is an ingredient called triclosan?
Let's look at this again.
Tri-clos-an
Try clothes on.

Is it any wonder that women shop more than men? These subliminal messages are everywhere! There is nothing, as women, that we can do, except stop practicing everyday hygiene. Sorry men!