Mt. Everest: An extensive look at handicap accessibility

I lied. It's not extensive at all. Just wanted to post that as my university studies draw to a close, my math skills are improving proportionally. For example (and I'm sure many of you have also had a yearning to know the answer to this question as well), I wanted to know how long the ramp would need to be to legally access the peak of Mt. Everest if one were disabled. If my math serves me, at 29,028 feet from base to peak, and with a national standard of wheelchair ramps being at a 1:12 ratio, the ramp would need to be 60.3 miles long. (Just so ya know, I took Math 110 twice). 

So.... That's all handy dandy, but can you imagine actually looking up at that and being like, wow, I have to wheel over 60 miles? ALL UPHILL? That's more than Mt. Everest itself! And on the way back, well, you'd be a human bowling ball, without bumpers. Yipes. But here's to equal opportunity!

Napoleon Dynamite Legislation: I Am Really Not Making This Up.

I came upon this legitimate bill from 2005, passed by the Idaho House of Representatives about our very own home-grown Napoleon Dynamite. Given that I worked as a page for the legislature in high school, I found this bill particularly, well... it made me giggle. Enjoy!!!


IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO.29


A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION STATING LEGISLATIVE FINDINGS AND COMMENDING JARED AND JERUSHA HESS AND THE CITY OF PRESTON FOR THE  PRODUCTION OF THE MOVIE "NAPOLEON DYNAMITE."


BE IT RESOLVED by the Legislature of the State of Idaho:


WHEREAS, the State of Idaho recognizes the vision, talent and creativity of Jared and Jerusha Hess in the writing and production of "Napoleon Dynamite"; and


WHEREAS, the scenic and beautiful city of Preston, County of Franklin and the State of Idaho are experiencing increased tourism and economic growth; and


WHEREAS, film maker Jared Hess is a native Idahoan who was educated in the Idaho public school system; and


WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and


WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's most famous export; and


WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered multiethnic relationships; and


WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air quality and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transportation; and


WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights a long-honored Idaho vacation destination; and


WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and  glamour shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha is an example of the importance of the visual arts in K-12 education; and


WHEREAS, the school-wide Preston High School student body elections foster an awareness in Idaho's youth of public service  and civic duty; and


WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club and the requirements that candidates for school president present a skit is an example of the importance of theater arts in K-12 education; and


WHEREAS, Pedro's efforts to bake a cake for Summer illustrate the positive connection between culinary skills to lifelong relationships; and


WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce and Idaho's technology-driven industry; and


WHEREAS, Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding shows Idaho's commitment to healthy marriages; and


WHEREAS, the prevalence of cooked steak as a primary food group pays tribute to Idaho's beef industry; and


WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools; and


WHEREAS, Tina the llama, the chickens with large talons, the 4-H  milk cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and


WHEREAS, any member of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the  risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"


NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House  of Representatives and the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural culture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the House of Representatives and the Senate of the State of Idaho, advocate always following your heart, and thus we eagerly await the next cinematic undertaking of Idaho's Hess family.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the Chief Clerk of the House of Representatives be, and she is hereby authorized and directed to forward a copy of this resolution to Jared and Jerusha Hess, the  Mayor of the City of Preston and the Principal of Preston High School.


PASSED by the Idaho State Legislature on April 6, 2005.
YEA votes: 69
NAY votes: 0
ABSENT: 1


My favorite parts: 1: Steak is now a food group. 2: The veiled threat at the end. 3: CHICKENS WITH LARGE TALONS AND THE HONEYMOON STALLION! Kills me every time! 4: Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha 5: Kip was on rollerblades (I'm totally writing to my local government officials for an amendment to this bill) 6:Pulling your brother behind your bike also counts as carpooling. 7: "A long honored Idaho vacation destination (I burned my math book there once... Does that count?)


   

Things I am Learning from Working with Infants and Toddlers

I am doing an internship with infants and toddlers in an Early Head Start program. I love these little guys. Some days are admittedly better than others. The following are things I have learned from them. This is, so far, an all-inclusive list:
NUMBER ONE: ANYTHING can be a weapon. Clay. A piece of paper. A beanbag. A washcloth. A child's hand. The ground. And teeth... A portable, permanent weapon, provided we keep teaching them to brush and floss.

NUMBER TWO: ANYTHING can and will be turned into a food item. Clay. A piece of paper. Stickers. Paint. Another child's arm. The edges of every surface imaginable. Soapy water. But NEVER, NEVER broccoli.

NUMBER THREE: Children will begin experiencing peer pressure once they are old enough either to wield a weapon or  put things into their mouth (See numbers one and two).

This is actually from this summer. My bad.

I got to see the Northern Lights tonight. They seemed at first to originate from two distinct points on the horizon, gradually and gracefully filling the space between until they converged into one solid ribbon of emerald light. I say solid but it never was... Just as fire retains no shape, neither do these brilliant, dancing streams. Some were misty and vague in their edges. Others were like the ivory of a piano, the colors and depth of illumination changing so quickly from one ray to the next that they took on the appearance of arpeggios, as if we were being allowed to witness the underpinnings of some cosmic, celestial melody.  The effect was unlike I had ever seen and rendered me awestruck instantly... Some of the rays curled out into beautiful whispers, perfectly framing the true Northern Light and its brother the Big Dipper. How complete it looked then! Soon the gleams evolved into rays that appeared to be conduits straight into heaven. Wanting a better vantage point, I lay down and nearly gasped at the enormity of it all. Truly, I saw a light exactly above my head, which descended gradually until it fell upon me, and though it was not a grandiose vision of God, it was a tender glimpse at His handiwork, and I more fully understood my relationship to Him--That I am loved by Him and that He appreciates and honors my love for Him as well. I shared the experience with two of my dear eternal friends, Dustin and Angela, among others, and I know I felt a sense of what it means to have Heavenly Father's love. It marks one of the most breathtaking, contented, and fulfilled moments of my life. Just witnessing it was enough. 

A man-maid building

I've written once about how to speak underwater....

On that same topic, we must discuss mermen.

Or, as a kid my sister babysat called them.....

Man-maids.

Which brings a whole new meaning to the term "manmade ______"...

"Man-maid dam" ... Sure, just stack them up like sardines! They'll make a GREAT dam.

"Man-maid disaster", etc. I mean, we could run with this for decades.

Cantwell, Alaska

In my many attempts at world reform, I have started a very rudimentary letter to the governer of Alaska, where I currently reside. It concerns the city of Cantwell.

Cantwell, just fyi, has two bars and a million falling apart trailer homes. And by a million I mean about twelve. And by homes I mean condemned space. There were exactly two people in Cantwell's 2010 graduating class. Besides being a completely remote location of possibly, what.... 35 citizens, I attribute the educational count to the name of the city:

Cantwell.

Can't well.

What a downer!

The name was given for the Cantwell River, later named the Nenana River (the no-fish-in-it river, in native Athabaskan).. So I feel no remorse in suggesting (strongly, with backup troops and extra artillery) a change in the name. To something like.....

Well......

Can well!

Or Mightaswell....

Or Verywell.....

Or It'sjustaswell.....

Or Ohwell.

Something else, to give the citizens of Cantwell hope in their currently glacier-coated hopes and dreams.

"...I'd Throw My Hand on a Blade for Ya..."

Wow... So I have listened to Bruno Mars' song "Grenade", which is laughable in all respects, including the tender and empathetic words, "I would catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah yeah), I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), you know I'd do any-THANG for ya... I would die for you baby, but you won't do the same!" Like... Yeah.... I mean, I have been in love before, and yes, I would lay down my life, but does it seem like to anybody else that maybe, just maybe, he is suggesting that he would JUST do these things to prove his love? Like, I can imagine his beloved as a bystander to all of this. "Listen, I just wanted to go on a romantic walk on the tracks, okay, but there's a YOU IDIOT THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!!! What are you.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And then she's much happier, obviously, because of all he did for her, only she's left with a horrific trauma she's gotta deal with AND she's boyfriend-widowed. Awesome. Plus, we all know that jumping in front of a train is effective in stopping the train in 100% of all reported cases.

So, with no further ado, I have decided to "tweak" the lyrics, adding some of my own, but most of these come from my sister Andi. We went back and forth texting lyrics for like an hour (Which made the Paul Mitchell student who was cutting my hair unsure of what to think of me, because I kept bursting out in fits of laughter):

*I would steal back your slave for ya,

*I would get lost in a maze for ya,

*Think up alternative names for ya,

*I'd win games at an arcade for ya...

*And I would be an old maid for ya,

*I'd do your work for a grade for ya,

*Have my pets neutered or spayed for ya,

*I'd take out my hearing aid for ya...

(p.s. Bob Barker would be so proud of the controlling the pet population bit)

*Have th'electric chair stayed for ya,

*Went to a movie and paid for ya,

*I sprayed the room with some Glade for ya,

*I sang a song in a p'rade for ya...

*I wore a fancy beret for ya,

*Hate-ED your play but I stayed for ya,

*I sold your kid on eBay for ya,

*And I went on a tirade for ya...

*I wrote a song that I played for ya,

*I dug up Grandma's remains for ya,

*I fell on a rollerblade for ya,

*I'd put my beard in a braid for ya...

*Took your se-CRET to the grave for ya,

*I squeezed some fresh lemonade for ya,

*I gave up my Gatorade for ya,

*And I went on a blind date for ya...

*I found your kitten who strayed for ya,

*Gave you some candy I saved for ya,

*I'll teach your grandma first aid for ya,

*I'll plant a bomb that I made for ya...

*I got an old scar to fade for ya,

*I bowled a 188 for ya,

*I put this cheese on a grate for ya,

*I moved to a brand new state for ya...

*I smashed Mom's new china plate for ya,

*Came to my wedding quite late for ya,

*I got a low interest rate for ya,

*Stayed up til quarter past eight for ya...

*I found the Army's the fate for ya,

*Balancedthis meal on a plate for ya,

*Stole from collection plates for ya,

*I squished this worm for some bait for ya...

(More to come, as if this isn't enough. It's addicting!)