Horrific Christmas Song Lyrics: A Rant

I, like many of you, bask in the Christmas season... The lights, the gift wrapping, and the general feeling of well-being that accompanies this time of year. It is my favorite time of year by far. But I, like many of you, have my goat gotten (it gets my goat?) by the fact that radio stations start playing Christmas music on Halloween, sometimes before (No white or White Christmas BEFORE Labor Day is My vote). The songs are of happiness, of Santa, and of a lot of other stuff that makes me laugh every time I hear it. So here is my list of awful song lyrics, for your consideration:

Disclaimer: I actually adore singing Christmas hymns and songs of the Savior and lament that it's only once a year that we actually sing them. The following is a list that, with few exceptions, has little to do with the actual birth of Christ.

Little St. Nick (Beach Boys):
"Christmas comes this time each year."
In case you wondered, Christmas is NOT, in fact, a semi-annual event.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:
"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago."
Now, my question is, who tells ghost stories at Christmas? It may have originally coincided with a pagan holiday, but really? We think this might be in reference to the ghosts of A Christmas Carol, but I still find it ridiculous. :)

What Child is This?:
"Haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of..... Mary."
I can just imagine the lyrics committee on this one... "Hey, can you think of anything that rhymes with 'laud' that would be a Parent of the baby Jesus? No?... Well, okay, we'll put in Mary." It is the only line that doesn't rhyme in the whole song.

Santa Claus Comes Tonight (Elvis):
"So let's give thanks to the Lord above, cuz Santa Claus comes tonight."
Um..... Elvis...... I think your logic might be a little... flawed.

Mary, Did You Know:
Pretty much the whole song. Considering an angel visited both her AND Joseph about the importance of the Savior's birth, I'm pretty sure she knew.

After thinking these up on my own, I took a poll of what others considered the weirdest/most annoying Christmas songs. I was SHOCKED at the passion of these people and their hate for certain Christmas "songs". I didn't mean to bring out so much angst, I promise.. But here's the list:

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... When I was little I had to sing that, because I lost my two front teeth. I was so mad." ~Andrea

Dominique the Donkey! This one got a few votes, and I'm inclined to agree. Cute, yes... Relevant in any way, not really. I did, however, get this helpful bit of knowledge... "Although the donkey is a part of Italian culture, I'm pretty sure they would be appalled by that song. In Italy or the northern part, St. Nicholas has a donkey, and to show appreciation, you leave food out for the donkey." ~Alesha

The Holly and the Ivy... When I was a child (this was not a part of the poll, just a personal side note), I thought the line that said, "The running of the deer" said "The ROTTING of the deer"... It always grossed me out.

I had several votes for "Santa Baby", which is probably the furthest from Christmas you can get, but we agreed that it is also funny depending on the mood you're in.

Okay, and I have to put one in for The Christmas Shoes song. While it makes my mother cry, it only makes me roll my eyes. Here's this mom dying, and her son is, where? Is he by his dying mother's side? NO! He's out buying her shoes. Does she even know where he is? Does the dad care? Is the dad even there? If not, this kid's got lots more to do than buy shoes... like... be put up for adoption (Don't hate. I know this is insensitive. Just sayin it like it is.).

"I have a hard time taking 'Little Drummer Boy' seriously cuz of the pa rum pa rum pum or whatever it is." ~Brittney
Also for this song: "It is weird and has nothing to do with the Christmas story and the events being described are like a pipe dream. Plus, the song has no discernible ending."~Keil
I wonder what mother would be okay with a kid playing a drum around her newborn baby. Just sayin.
"I hate 'The Little Drummer Boy'. Where in the scriptures does it talk about a drum?" ~Kimberly

Okay, I also just found, with a little help from my family (Also, I have been reminded that the non-fitting-in-the-meter lyrics of "What Child Is This" was Andi's idea), THE LEAST CHRISTMASY CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!! First of all, it's by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. What a combo! And its lyrics are, in part, as follows:

You've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Strangers meet and willingly surrender
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Almost went to Aspen but something told me no
I considered Mammoth but there wasn't enough snow
And I even thought of Gattlinburg but that seemed so far to go
So I headed up to Tahoe for a Christmas on the slopes.

And I had fantasized about Christmas in this way
Curled up by a fireplace in a Tahoe ski chalet
With a fast talking lover with some slow burning wood
But even in my wildest dreams it never got this good.

And you've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Change the radio and I'll turn the lights down dimmer
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Yipes! It reminds me of the scene in Love Actually when there are whales and Spiderman-kings and more than one lobster in the Nativity play!

"'Frosty the Snowman'! It's the thumpity thump thump part that kinda weirds me out."~Aimee

"I don't care for 'Happy Holidays' as it's rather politically correct."~Adam

There were SO MANY votes for "Last Christmas.", for the following reasons:
"The way the guy says 'special' is just creepy." ~Christa
(Also have you ever noticed the guy says "gev" instead of "gave", EVERY TIME?)
I gev you my heart...
"Yeah... What is this, a black market for organs? That doesn't even jive within the structure of the metaphor!" ~Matthew

"'I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas'... No one actually wants a hippo, they are ginormous and even though they are vegetarians, I think they could still kill me." ~Skyla
Someone else submitted one but quickly sent this instead: "NO!! I HATE!!! the song, 'I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!' I hate it. And I find it silly. In a bad way." ~Scott
Also, thank you to About.com for the following information: "Despite being a vegetarian, the hippo is responsible for more human fatalities in Africa than any other animal, making it Africa's most dangerous beast."

"I'm not too good with titles. 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake' should raise all sorts of red flags." ~Matthew

"O Christmas Tree. Because I'm not German." ~Scott

"'Santa, Baby'. Isn't he married, and not so easily flattered?" ~Christopher

"'Baby, It's Cold Outside'. It's a date rape song." ~Delaina
Say, what's in this drink? And she wants to go but he wants her to stay... It's awful. I never saw it this way, but I'm sure I'll never see it the same way again.

"The 'Do you hear what I hear?' song. It's a travesty." ~Jenny
Along with her duly noted opinion, I wonder why the shepherds don't freak out when the sheep starts talking. But I guess the song wouldn't be as effective if it said, "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, 'Baaaaaaaaaa.'

"'The 12 Days of Christmas'. Everyone and their dog has their own version of it."~Katie A.

"'Bring the Torch, Jeanette, Isabella.' Why can't I bring the torch? I would be really good!" ~Katie F.
I told her that was an excellent idea and she said she would start practicing a week before. I said to start small, like with a lighter or something and she said, "Baby steps. I will start with my phone lit up."

"Also, anything by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand should be RIGHT OUT, not even considered Christmas songs. They're Jewish! Capitalizing on the birth of someone you don't even believe in... Come on now."~Andi

"The weird one is 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. It killed my faith in Santa. And it made me think of my mom as an unfaithful woman and Santa as a homewrecker."~Grisel

"I saw 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' on the official KKK website during the holiday season back in high school once." ~Matthew

So thank you all for your holiday cheer, we'll see if next year brings anything new!

"What?! I'm fired? I only snaze..."

I had a dream once. I use the word "dream" very loosely, because it was more like a psychological disturbance, a kink in the REM waves or something. It was about a rat factory. Prior to my dream, I had never known there to be such a thing, nor would I think about rats at length. In fact, among my top five fears (which also includes job interviews) are mice in the house. The entire dream was drab, gray, and looked like an illustration Stephen Gammell would do (see http://jschancellor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/scarystorysamsnewpet-1.jpg). My job as a rat factory worker was to separate the dead rats from the live rats. COULD THERE BE A WORSE JOB?
I submit that there can. Or at least, one that's neck-and-neck. And that is...
A feather packaging plant.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "Kami (actually, you would say "Self", since you're asking yourself...lol), how could working with soft, downy feathers compare to taking rats off a conveyor belt?" But just consider this. If you sneeze, feathers would go E-VE-RY-WHERE. Drafts, same sad story. An 8-hour a day shift of that would be enough to drive anyone to the madhouse (where hopefully they are down pillow-less)! I wonder what staff meetings are like for feather-packing employees. For some reason I picture the managing staff like the aunts on James and the Giant Peach... One, really tall, gangly, and spectacled and the other short, stout, and ornery. Both in suits, both ready with tazer in hand.
"Do not sneeze. If you sneeze, you will be terminated.
Do not open doors. If you open a door, you will be terminated.
Do not open windows. If you open a window, you will be terminated.
Do not whistle. If you whistle, you will be terminated.
Do not move unnecessarily. If you move unnecessarily, you will be terminated.
Do not breathe out. Or in. ..."


Which brings me to another point that has nothing to do with rats, Stephen Gammell, or staff meetings, and that is the English language, and, more specifically, a tense I have originally devised. Say the word "breathed". "Breathe-D". It's a horrid noise to add to an innocent atmosphere. So, for each word that has a "long e" sound (for all who are not English buffs, those are words like breathe, leap, sleep), in the past, it is now changed to a "long a" sound, with (and this is important), NO D at the end. For example:
Breathed becomes ---> Brathe (ahhh, isn't that a breath of fresh air? It sounds so much cleaner)
Leaped becomes -----> Lape
etc.

So, in the morning you can say, "I lape into bed last night", or "Hey, I snake up on you, and you didn't even see me", or "Dang, I just brathe in a bug"... Things like that.
Try it out! You won't go back!

Car Confusion

I have a beast of a car, an '85 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. Its name is Moby, because at one point it was a "great white whale". Now it's more of a cream/gold color, but the name stuck. I keep a stuffed whale on the dashboard, I have to hit the radio to get it to work, three of the doors open funny and the fourth doesn't open at all, and it has no headliner so I have people sign my ceiling. It is an old car (heck, maybe I should take that to the Antiques Roadshow!). So, I decided on a brilliant strategy, and that is: Buy a "new car" scented air freshener. That way, people will see my car and say, "Wow, that is an old car." BUT, when they get inside (once they can figure out how to jimmy the doors), they will be more or less transported to a different dimension/generation, and say, "Wait. Is this a new car?" and slyly I will wring my hands, mission accomplished and say, "Yes, why yes it is."

A brand-new car.

Ah, ah, ah (mischievious laughter).

The Rings of Saturn: Truth Revealed

I remember well, learning about astronomy as a child... Making styrofoam ball planets, watching Bill Nye the Science Guy bike to where those planets would be proportionally in the galaxy... Learning mind-riveting facts about each...

Like Saturn. We learned that the rings of Saturn are made of meteor rock and ice, which apparently reflect light much like a rainbow does. I, however, have discovered that science has been deceiving us all along. Through experience, mostly that of losing countless "other" socks and virtually millions of bobby pins, I have made my own discovery, which is that the rings of Saturn are actually made up of just lots of lost stuff. Your dryer is an intergalactic transporter, which keeps only one sock of any given pair and SHOOTS the other one off into space, to be collected into Saturn's rings, where it is held to another by bobby pins. The same rule applies to lost luggage... It is also flung into space. In fact, all those things you say, "Now what did I do with that?" could well be attributed to the same galactic problem. So wonder no more where your screwdriver went, or why you can't seem to locate your 5-year old*. Saturn. It's all about Saturn.

*I do not actually advocate misplacing children and blaming it on a planet.

Some things I wish I'd been the first to think of...

Summer is drawing to a close. I've already gone on a wonderful bike ride, explored my crafty side, worked, and taken a nap today. I also looked up room murals online, for some elusive future day when I am settled down and established. I've also been finding little gems here and there in my search to do so. I wanted to share, because, well, sharing is caring.
I thought this one was hilarious. My brother suggested putting real banana peels, but I thought, yeah, right! I've seen what happens to Peach's little racer when she hits one of those! Just don't hit the blue spiky ball. Those things are a killer!
Aw, dang. I know there's the Engrish thing... But I honestly don't think this is a joke!
This. Is. Ingenious. If only I had had these in my Advanced Spanish Grammar and Comp. class!
These are not gingerbread cookies. These are... Ninjabread cookies. They pack a punch, and probably somehow improve your reflexes by a light year or so.
I am so glad, and yet sad, that someone made this picture before I could. Sad because it means my "original" idea wasn't that original after all... And glad because I have had conversations about this exact topic before. UniCORN? I mean really, shouldn't they be called uniHORNS? No wonder they're extinct now. That stuff is de behst.... "Get that corn outta my face!"
I only wish I could see this in action for real. "Luke, I am your father. And because I am your father, I get to hit the pinata first." *slice and coterize*
"Nooooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Oh, brother. Puns will never die, I suppose. Can't lie though, it made me laugh...

Hope you enjoy! I'm sure more will be on the way.

Swine Time

Pig heads are gross. And I think it's unfortunate that they always seem to die mid-bite. Can't people just let them finish the apple for once?

The Ultimate Antiques Roadshow

Saturday evening used to always bring baths, curlers, and the Lawrence Welk Show. Lawrence Welk is... for old people. Antiques Roadshow, on the other hand is not. Well, not necessarily. It used to be for old (ahem, "experienced") things. You know, people bring in their vases and family heirlooms, tell the story of the item, and get it appraised to see if it will pay for Great Aunt Ethel's estate, since she didn't leave it to you in the will. But I have discovered a way to bring a little.... creativity... to the show.
I want to go onto the set of Antiques Roadshow with my grandparents, or maybe someone else's. At first they will think I've brought them on set so they can see all the "swell" antiques and even get something appraised... But when I get to the front of the line, I will PLUNK the person onto the table and say That's what I want appraised. I admit that this may seem a little unorthodox, but keep in mind I am not SELLING people, I am merely getting them appraised (the decision of whether to sell them or not comes at a later date and after measuring pros and cons on a piece of paper). At any rate, my guess is it will bring in a sweet sum, for many good and valid reasons.
The conversation will go something like this. "This is a completely original item. I got it from my great-grandmother. I still have the certificate of authenticity. It's in its original packaging, and you can tell it's an original by looking at the shape of the nose. There has been some slight discoloration over time in the hair and face, as well as some evidential oxidation in the teeth. There has also been slight damage to the surface through time. Still very valuable, though, as it looks like many others but is, in fact, a one-of-a-kind item."

The only problem is...
Old people that are twins.