A man-maid building

I've written once about how to speak underwater....

On that same topic, we must discuss mermen.

Or, as a kid my sister babysat called them.....

Man-maids.

Which brings a whole new meaning to the term "manmade ______"...

"Man-maid dam" ... Sure, just stack them up like sardines! They'll make a GREAT dam.

"Man-maid disaster", etc. I mean, we could run with this for decades.

Cantwell, Alaska

In my many attempts at world reform, I have started a very rudimentary letter to the governer of Alaska, where I currently reside. It concerns the city of Cantwell.

Cantwell, just fyi, has two bars and a million falling apart trailer homes. And by a million I mean about twelve. And by homes I mean condemned space. There were exactly two people in Cantwell's 2010 graduating class. Besides being a completely remote location of possibly, what.... 35 citizens, I attribute the educational count to the name of the city:

Cantwell.

Can't well.

What a downer!

The name was given for the Cantwell River, later named the Nenana River (the no-fish-in-it river, in native Athabaskan).. So I feel no remorse in suggesting (strongly, with backup troops and extra artillery) a change in the name. To something like.....

Well......

Can well!

Or Mightaswell....

Or Verywell.....

Or It'sjustaswell.....

Or Ohwell.

Something else, to give the citizens of Cantwell hope in their currently glacier-coated hopes and dreams.

"...I'd Throw My Hand on a Blade for Ya..."

Wow... So I have listened to Bruno Mars' song "Grenade", which is laughable in all respects, including the tender and empathetic words, "I would catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah yeah), I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), you know I'd do any-THANG for ya... I would die for you baby, but you won't do the same!" Like... Yeah.... I mean, I have been in love before, and yes, I would lay down my life, but does it seem like to anybody else that maybe, just maybe, he is suggesting that he would JUST do these things to prove his love? Like, I can imagine his beloved as a bystander to all of this. "Listen, I just wanted to go on a romantic walk on the tracks, okay, but there's a YOU IDIOT THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!!! What are you.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And then she's much happier, obviously, because of all he did for her, only she's left with a horrific trauma she's gotta deal with AND she's boyfriend-widowed. Awesome. Plus, we all know that jumping in front of a train is effective in stopping the train in 100% of all reported cases.

So, with no further ado, I have decided to "tweak" the lyrics, adding some of my own, but most of these come from my sister Andi. We went back and forth texting lyrics for like an hour (Which made the Paul Mitchell student who was cutting my hair unsure of what to think of me, because I kept bursting out in fits of laughter):

*I would steal back your slave for ya,

*I would get lost in a maze for ya,

*Think up alternative names for ya,

*I'd win games at an arcade for ya...

*And I would be an old maid for ya,

*I'd do your work for a grade for ya,

*Have my pets neutered or spayed for ya,

*I'd take out my hearing aid for ya...

(p.s. Bob Barker would be so proud of the controlling the pet population bit)

*Have th'electric chair stayed for ya,

*Went to a movie and paid for ya,

*I sprayed the room with some Glade for ya,

*I sang a song in a p'rade for ya...

*I wore a fancy beret for ya,

*Hate-ED your play but I stayed for ya,

*I sold your kid on eBay for ya,

*And I went on a tirade for ya...

*I wrote a song that I played for ya,

*I dug up Grandma's remains for ya,

*I fell on a rollerblade for ya,

*I'd put my beard in a braid for ya...

*Took your se-CRET to the grave for ya,

*I squeezed some fresh lemonade for ya,

*I gave up my Gatorade for ya,

*And I went on a blind date for ya...

*I found your kitten who strayed for ya,

*Gave you some candy I saved for ya,

*I'll teach your grandma first aid for ya,

*I'll plant a bomb that I made for ya...

*I got an old scar to fade for ya,

*I bowled a 188 for ya,

*I put this cheese on a grate for ya,

*I moved to a brand new state for ya...

*I smashed Mom's new china plate for ya,

*Came to my wedding quite late for ya,

*I got a low interest rate for ya,

*Stayed up til quarter past eight for ya...

*I found the Army's the fate for ya,

*Balancedthis meal on a plate for ya,

*Stole from collection plates for ya,

*I squished this worm for some bait for ya...

(More to come, as if this isn't enough. It's addicting!)

In Case of Fire: Childhood Confusion

My sisters and I were taking a leisurely trip into the booming metropolis of Rexburg when we saw a sign on the side of the road:
"DO NOT PASS"
My 11-year old sister said that she used to think that it meant you couldn't pass the sign. This obviously made me laugh, but it's because I USED TO THINK THE SAME THING. Like, why do they even have road past the sign if you can't pass it anyways? I'd say, "We passed the DO NOT PASS sign!" and Mom acted like it wasn't even a big deal (appalled face)!

Of course, this was not the only area in which I found myself particularly... well, blonde...
I have always had a fear of being caught unprepared in a fire... Sometimes irrationally. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Paepke, may she rest in peace, had a tub full of pillows in the back of the room and when your turn came to be "vice president", you got to take your shoes off and spend the afternoon in the claw tub reading or whatever. But while most kids looked forward to spending time in there, I was frightened of the concept. I was just SURE that while I was in there, a fire would erupt and I would have to get out of the tub and out of the building without my shoes on. I had this fear that my feet would somehow burst into flames or that I'd be stuck standing in the snow barefoot while my alma mater incinerated. Yup... That was me as a child. lol

In my elementary school there were fire alarms all over. Well, instead of reading "Pull in case of fire", they said "Pull for fire". I was petrified of even going near them because I thought if I pulled it, it would START a fire. Childhood nightmares are woven by such misconceptions.

When I got older (and over my fear of the fire alarms), I saw something else that caught my attention. It was a fire extinguisher in a case that had written on the outside, "In case of fire, break glass with shoe". On the surface this is a wonderful idea. It keeps people from punching the glass and getting glass shards all up in their fists in a panic. But you KNOW there's gotta be that one daft guy who, instead of kicking the glass, actually takes his shoe off to bust into it. This leaves him with more problems than he started out with. He doesn't have a shoe on anymore, for one thing, AND there's glass all over the floor, AND there's still a fire in the building, AND he has to figure out how to use the fire extinguisher while simultaneously trying to put his shoe back on. I just hope I'm not the one in the claw tub in THAT building when it catches fire. lol

Horrific Christmas Song Lyrics: A Rant

I, like many of you, bask in the Christmas season... The lights, the gift wrapping, and the general feeling of well-being that accompanies this time of year. It is my favorite time of year by far. But I, like many of you, have my goat gotten (it gets my goat?) by the fact that radio stations start playing Christmas music on Halloween, sometimes before (No white or White Christmas BEFORE Labor Day is My vote). The songs are of happiness, of Santa, and of a lot of other stuff that makes me laugh every time I hear it. So here is my list of awful song lyrics, for your consideration:

Disclaimer: I actually adore singing Christmas hymns and songs of the Savior and lament that it's only once a year that we actually sing them. The following is a list that, with few exceptions, has little to do with the actual birth of Christ.

Little St. Nick (Beach Boys):
"Christmas comes this time each year."
In case you wondered, Christmas is NOT, in fact, a semi-annual event.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:
"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago."
Now, my question is, who tells ghost stories at Christmas? It may have originally coincided with a pagan holiday, but really? We think this might be in reference to the ghosts of A Christmas Carol, but I still find it ridiculous. :)

What Child is This?:
"Haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of..... Mary."
I can just imagine the lyrics committee on this one... "Hey, can you think of anything that rhymes with 'laud' that would be a Parent of the baby Jesus? No?... Well, okay, we'll put in Mary." It is the only line that doesn't rhyme in the whole song.

Santa Claus Comes Tonight (Elvis):
"So let's give thanks to the Lord above, cuz Santa Claus comes tonight."
Um..... Elvis...... I think your logic might be a little... flawed.

Mary, Did You Know:
Pretty much the whole song. Considering an angel visited both her AND Joseph about the importance of the Savior's birth, I'm pretty sure she knew.

After thinking these up on my own, I took a poll of what others considered the weirdest/most annoying Christmas songs. I was SHOCKED at the passion of these people and their hate for certain Christmas "songs". I didn't mean to bring out so much angst, I promise.. But here's the list:

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... When I was little I had to sing that, because I lost my two front teeth. I was so mad." ~Andrea

Dominique the Donkey! This one got a few votes, and I'm inclined to agree. Cute, yes... Relevant in any way, not really. I did, however, get this helpful bit of knowledge... "Although the donkey is a part of Italian culture, I'm pretty sure they would be appalled by that song. In Italy or the northern part, St. Nicholas has a donkey, and to show appreciation, you leave food out for the donkey." ~Alesha

The Holly and the Ivy... When I was a child (this was not a part of the poll, just a personal side note), I thought the line that said, "The running of the deer" said "The ROTTING of the deer"... It always grossed me out.

I had several votes for "Santa Baby", which is probably the furthest from Christmas you can get, but we agreed that it is also funny depending on the mood you're in.

Okay, and I have to put one in for The Christmas Shoes song. While it makes my mother cry, it only makes me roll my eyes. Here's this mom dying, and her son is, where? Is he by his dying mother's side? NO! He's out buying her shoes. Does she even know where he is? Does the dad care? Is the dad even there? If not, this kid's got lots more to do than buy shoes... like... be put up for adoption (Don't hate. I know this is insensitive. Just sayin it like it is.).

"I have a hard time taking 'Little Drummer Boy' seriously cuz of the pa rum pa rum pum or whatever it is." ~Brittney
Also for this song: "It is weird and has nothing to do with the Christmas story and the events being described are like a pipe dream. Plus, the song has no discernible ending."~Keil
I wonder what mother would be okay with a kid playing a drum around her newborn baby. Just sayin.
"I hate 'The Little Drummer Boy'. Where in the scriptures does it talk about a drum?" ~Kimberly

Okay, I also just found, with a little help from my family (Also, I have been reminded that the non-fitting-in-the-meter lyrics of "What Child Is This" was Andi's idea), THE LEAST CHRISTMASY CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!! First of all, it's by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. What a combo! And its lyrics are, in part, as follows:

You've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Strangers meet and willingly surrender
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Almost went to Aspen but something told me no
I considered Mammoth but there wasn't enough snow
And I even thought of Gattlinburg but that seemed so far to go
So I headed up to Tahoe for a Christmas on the slopes.

And I had fantasized about Christmas in this way
Curled up by a fireplace in a Tahoe ski chalet
With a fast talking lover with some slow burning wood
But even in my wildest dreams it never got this good.

And you've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Change the radio and I'll turn the lights down dimmer
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Yipes! It reminds me of the scene in Love Actually when there are whales and Spiderman-kings and more than one lobster in the Nativity play!

"'Frosty the Snowman'! It's the thumpity thump thump part that kinda weirds me out."~Aimee

"I don't care for 'Happy Holidays' as it's rather politically correct."~Adam

There were SO MANY votes for "Last Christmas.", for the following reasons:
"The way the guy says 'special' is just creepy." ~Christa
(Also have you ever noticed the guy says "gev" instead of "gave", EVERY TIME?)
I gev you my heart...
"Yeah... What is this, a black market for organs? That doesn't even jive within the structure of the metaphor!" ~Matthew

"'I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas'... No one actually wants a hippo, they are ginormous and even though they are vegetarians, I think they could still kill me." ~Skyla
Someone else submitted one but quickly sent this instead: "NO!! I HATE!!! the song, 'I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!' I hate it. And I find it silly. In a bad way." ~Scott
Also, thank you to About.com for the following information: "Despite being a vegetarian, the hippo is responsible for more human fatalities in Africa than any other animal, making it Africa's most dangerous beast."

"I'm not too good with titles. 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake' should raise all sorts of red flags." ~Matthew

"O Christmas Tree. Because I'm not German." ~Scott

"'Santa, Baby'. Isn't he married, and not so easily flattered?" ~Christopher

"'Baby, It's Cold Outside'. It's a date rape song." ~Delaina
Say, what's in this drink? And she wants to go but he wants her to stay... It's awful. I never saw it this way, but I'm sure I'll never see it the same way again.

"The 'Do you hear what I hear?' song. It's a travesty." ~Jenny
Along with her duly noted opinion, I wonder why the shepherds don't freak out when the sheep starts talking. But I guess the song wouldn't be as effective if it said, "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, 'Baaaaaaaaaa.'

"'The 12 Days of Christmas'. Everyone and their dog has their own version of it."~Katie A.

"'Bring the Torch, Jeanette, Isabella.' Why can't I bring the torch? I would be really good!" ~Katie F.
I told her that was an excellent idea and she said she would start practicing a week before. I said to start small, like with a lighter or something and she said, "Baby steps. I will start with my phone lit up."

"Also, anything by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand should be RIGHT OUT, not even considered Christmas songs. They're Jewish! Capitalizing on the birth of someone you don't even believe in... Come on now."~Andi

"The weird one is 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. It killed my faith in Santa. And it made me think of my mom as an unfaithful woman and Santa as a homewrecker."~Grisel

"I saw 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' on the official KKK website during the holiday season back in high school once." ~Matthew

So thank you all for your holiday cheer, we'll see if next year brings anything new!

"What?! I'm fired? I only snaze..."

I had a dream once. I use the word "dream" very loosely, because it was more like a psychological disturbance, a kink in the REM waves or something. It was about a rat factory. Prior to my dream, I had never known there to be such a thing, nor would I think about rats at length. In fact, among my top five fears (which also includes job interviews) are mice in the house. The entire dream was drab, gray, and looked like an illustration Stephen Gammell would do (see http://jschancellor.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/scarystorysamsnewpet-1.jpg). My job as a rat factory worker was to separate the dead rats from the live rats. COULD THERE BE A WORSE JOB?
I submit that there can. Or at least, one that's neck-and-neck. And that is...
A feather packaging plant.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "Kami (actually, you would say "Self", since you're asking yourself...lol), how could working with soft, downy feathers compare to taking rats off a conveyor belt?" But just consider this. If you sneeze, feathers would go E-VE-RY-WHERE. Drafts, same sad story. An 8-hour a day shift of that would be enough to drive anyone to the madhouse (where hopefully they are down pillow-less)! I wonder what staff meetings are like for feather-packing employees. For some reason I picture the managing staff like the aunts on James and the Giant Peach... One, really tall, gangly, and spectacled and the other short, stout, and ornery. Both in suits, both ready with tazer in hand.
"Do not sneeze. If you sneeze, you will be terminated.
Do not open doors. If you open a door, you will be terminated.
Do not open windows. If you open a window, you will be terminated.
Do not whistle. If you whistle, you will be terminated.
Do not move unnecessarily. If you move unnecessarily, you will be terminated.
Do not breathe out. Or in. ..."


Which brings me to another point that has nothing to do with rats, Stephen Gammell, or staff meetings, and that is the English language, and, more specifically, a tense I have originally devised. Say the word "breathed". "Breathe-D". It's a horrid noise to add to an innocent atmosphere. So, for each word that has a "long e" sound (for all who are not English buffs, those are words like breathe, leap, sleep), in the past, it is now changed to a "long a" sound, with (and this is important), NO D at the end. For example:
Breathed becomes ---> Brathe (ahhh, isn't that a breath of fresh air? It sounds so much cleaner)
Leaped becomes -----> Lape
etc.

So, in the morning you can say, "I lape into bed last night", or "Hey, I snake up on you, and you didn't even see me", or "Dang, I just brathe in a bug"... Things like that.
Try it out! You won't go back!

Car Confusion

I have a beast of a car, an '85 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. Its name is Moby, because at one point it was a "great white whale". Now it's more of a cream/gold color, but the name stuck. I keep a stuffed whale on the dashboard, I have to hit the radio to get it to work, three of the doors open funny and the fourth doesn't open at all, and it has no headliner so I have people sign my ceiling. It is an old car (heck, maybe I should take that to the Antiques Roadshow!). So, I decided on a brilliant strategy, and that is: Buy a "new car" scented air freshener. That way, people will see my car and say, "Wow, that is an old car." BUT, when they get inside (once they can figure out how to jimmy the doors), they will be more or less transported to a different dimension/generation, and say, "Wait. Is this a new car?" and slyly I will wring my hands, mission accomplished and say, "Yes, why yes it is."

A brand-new car.

Ah, ah, ah (mischievious laughter).