Wow... So I have listened to Bruno Mars' song "Grenade", which is laughable in all respects, including the tender and empathetic words, "I would catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah yeah), I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah), you know I'd do any-THANG for ya... I would die for you baby, but you won't do the same!" Like... Yeah.... I mean, I have been in love before, and yes, I would lay down my life, but does it seem like to anybody else that maybe, just maybe, he is suggesting that he would JUST do these things to prove his love? Like, I can imagine his beloved as a bystander to all of this. "Listen, I just wanted to go on a romantic walk on the tracks, okay, but there's a YOU IDIOT THERE'S A TRAIN COMING!!!! What are you.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" And then she's much happier, obviously, because of all he did for her, only she's left with a horrific trauma she's gotta deal with AND she's boyfriend-widowed. Awesome. Plus, we all know that jumping in front of a train is effective in stopping the train in 100% of all reported cases.
So, with no further ado, I have decided to "tweak" the lyrics, adding some of my own, but most of these come from my sister Andi. We went back and forth texting lyrics for like an hour (Which made the Paul Mitchell student who was cutting my hair unsure of what to think of me, because I kept bursting out in fits of laughter):
*I would steal back your slave for ya,
*I would get lost in a maze for ya,
*Think up alternative names for ya,
*I'd win games at an arcade for ya...
*And I would be an old maid for ya,
*I'd do your work for a grade for ya,
*Have my pets neutered or spayed for ya,
*I'd take out my hearing aid for ya...
(p.s. Bob Barker would be so proud of the controlling the pet population bit)
*Have th'electric chair stayed for ya,
*Went to a movie and paid for ya,
*I sprayed the room with some Glade for ya,
*I sang a song in a p'rade for ya...
*I wore a fancy beret for ya,
*Hate-ED your play but I stayed for ya,
*I sold your kid on eBay for ya,
*And I went on a tirade for ya...
*I wrote a song that I played for ya,
*I dug up Grandma's remains for ya,
*I fell on a rollerblade for ya,
*I'd put my beard in a braid for ya...
*Took your se-CRET to the grave for ya,
*I squeezed some fresh lemonade for ya,
*I gave up my Gatorade for ya,
*And I went on a blind date for ya...
*I found your kitten who strayed for ya,
*Gave you some candy I saved for ya,
*I'll teach your grandma first aid for ya,
*I'll plant a bomb that I made for ya...
*I got an old scar to fade for ya,
*I bowled a 188 for ya,
*I put this cheese on a grate for ya,
*I moved to a brand new state for ya...
*I smashed Mom's new china plate for ya,
*Came to my wedding quite late for ya,
*I got a low interest rate for ya,
*Stayed up til quarter past eight for ya...
*I found the Army's the fate for ya,
*Balancedthis meal on a plate for ya,
*Stole from collection plates for ya,
*I squished this worm for some bait for ya...
(More to come, as if this isn't enough. It's addicting!)