Wednesday, June 9, 2010

ShamWOW! death

I spent some time with my friend Brandt Hurley yesterday. He is one funny chap. And we play off each other very well. He told me once that he is afraid of Sham WOW, you know, the stuff used to dry off a car (the "As Seen On TV" version of a chamois).. I asked him why, and he said, "Because those things suck out water! I'M 70% WATER!!"


I think we would all to well to not touch these dangerous products, unless we all want to become human mummy-raisins.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Artificial Fruit

There are many things in this world I do not understand. Like neck beards. And dish sponges. And old people driving. But also included in this list are artificial flavorings. I mean, I understand why they exist... you don't want everything tasting like glorified air... But mostly I refer to fruit flavorings. It seems that across the board, grape candies all taste the same. But do they actually taste like grape? NO! Never have I had a candy, with MAYBE the exception of Jelly Bellies, that tastes like grape when it advertises to taste like grape. In fact, it's the same with nearly every fruit flavor out there. Banana candy does NOT taste like banana, and watermelon candy certainly does not taste like its supposed fruit either. I suppose if they did, we would prefer to just eat the fruit itself, which would run the candy business to the ground. Shame, shame.

Just for the record, though, Jelly Belly does a fabulous job. Their Bertie Bott's dirt flavored jellybean actually tasted like dirt. And cherry, across the board, is usually pretty close to reality.

Slow and steady does not win the race... Unless everyone is slower and steadier.

What a summer. I say that with a sigh, because it has been One Dramatic Summer. And frankly, I am ready for it to be over. Last Thursday I was coming home from work (home health aide, I work nights) when I stopped behind a delivery-type truck and an SUV on a residential road about a block from my apartment complex. The truck had merged left to make a wide right turn and did not have either blinker on. So the SUV must have assumed it was going to turn left but as it went to pass on the right, the truck went to turn right. Since the SUV was in the truck's blind spot, the truck hit the SUV, which also ran into a parked car, overcorrected, and flipped on its side, shattering glass and spilling the contents of the front seat onto the road. I was the only car on the road and did not see many people walking (it was only about 7:30 a.m.). I probably should have stopped to see what I could do, but my phone was dead and my car charger does not work, so instead I raced home to call 911. I found the closest parking spot and ran like I've never run before even though things were flinging out of my purse all over the parking lot. But unfortunately, my mind was going much faster than my body could handle and I fell over on the sidewalk, scraping up my ankle and making me a gimp for several days. When I Did call 911, there were already police and an ambulance on the scene. Go figure!

Saturday my roommates Anna and Natalie were going to do a mini-triathlon here at BYU-I. I decided to do it too, kind of. I was wishy-washy about it all week, and leaning toward the "no" kind of decision. I was about to chicken out, though I Did bike 5 miles on Wednesday just in case... But Saturday morning at 8:15 (we were supposed to sign in at 8:30), I decided I would regret not doing it if I just stayed in bed. So I got up, stretched, and grabbed my road bike and helmet and went to the track. We were to run 1.5 miles, bike 6, and swim 8 lengths of the pool. I knew I could do each of those events individually, but wasn't sure about all of them together. I came in last in the running, and grabbed my bike just as a guy was hitching his two children to the back of his bike (not the actual children, they were in like a cart thing). We biked to the temple and kept going to Pole Line Road, where we biked another mile or so and turned around. The first three miles with the exception of maybe 1/8 of a mile were uphill, but it made for a really nice ride back. Since my roommates and I could not rent swimsuits (we had all forgotten our I-cards to rent clothing at the gym), we all had to return to our apartment in between events to change, which I did. Oh, may I note that the trailer-kid-bike-guy was ahead of me the entire biking portion of the race. When I got to the pool, there was no one else in it. My roommates cheered me on from the sidelines. And I finished. It took me 1 hour and 44 minutes-the longest cardio workout I've probably ever done all at once, and I was really proud of myself, even if I did finish dead last. The point of all this? Slow and steady will not win you any races, but it will keep you from keeling over while the fast and steady take the gold.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Talking Underwater

I have discovered a simple way to write as if you are speaking underwater.

First, take any word. We'll say "merman" just for fun.

Then, replace all the vowels with the letters "RL".


Try it out!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

"Graphic" Design

I was on my shift at the pizza place where I work, doing the menial task of rolling dough for pizza crusts when I noticed a sign on the wall. It said "HANDS IN COULD MEAN HANDS OFF" and it had a picture of a severed hand. I wish I could find the actual sign to post, but alas, it doesn't come up in a Google images search.

Anyway, the sign sure made its point, as I will NOT be sticking my hands in the hopper (whatever that even is... It's just what the machine says. "DO NOT PLACE HANDS PAST HOPPER".). But this particular sign got me thinking. Not about the sign itself, but about the job associated therewith. How do you GET into that line of work? Does it take a degree? If so, what is it? I would certainly agree that it is "graphic" design! I'd say! Some of these signs even have blood on them! Yikes! If it were me, I'd probably have nightmares after work. Come to think of it... I'd probably have daymares DURING work!

"What does your dad do for a living?"
"He's a dentist. How about yours?"
"Oh, he draws bleeding, dismembered limbs for signs."
While I was looking for the signs you see above, I came across some slightly less serious ones.
I almost wish it didn't have the "Also, the bridge is out ahead" note on the bottom, because a sign like this by itself would be awesome. Like, why do we even HAVE this sign?

I see this kind of thing on the streets all the time. If only people would pay attention! It's truly unfortunate that you can be minding your own business and BAM!.. there's a big jagged arrow in your spleen.
I don't know what organization this is from... But I think they mean business. Just a hunch.

Have You Seen This Sandwich?

So... In my free time, I have been trying to think of some things I want to accomplish this summer, like making a quilt for the first time, learning to clog, getting in shape, obtaining all my food storage, and some not-so-practical things like throwing a tomato into a fan and spending a full day in my hammock (just kidding, that would kill after like 6 or 7 hours. And I would have to pay a minion to bring me my meals).

So I thought the other day, how wonderfully juvenile would it be to put up "MISSING" signs for things that no one would really miss? Like a grilled cheese sandwich? So... I did. This is the beauty of being a single college student. My friend Jen Jimison and I made sandwiches, took pictures, and even had an "age enhanced" photo of a sandwich, which was made after the other ones, with an old piece of bread (yes, it had a bit of mold on it).

Then, I biked around Rexburg putting signs up.

I had some obnoxious texts sent back to me like "Maybe it's in the toilet.. Do I get the cash reward still?"... Nothing really of note. But today there was a letter on my door.

"I have found your grilled cheese sandwich. If you wish to see him back alive, you will pay the ransom of $3.00. Send a text message to (number withheld) to set up meeting points. Do not call trying to trace the call. If you do not meet any of my demands your grilled cheese sandwich will pay the price.

To prove to you that I am serious please take note of this picture."

Whew! I actually felt sad when I saw this picture! My poor sandwich! What kind of person would do this?

I may comply, but I'm sure we will need to negotiate set price.

Barf Bears

So... This summer I am off track at school and only working nights. This leaves me with an immense amount of time to do what I love to do best, namely: sleeping, biking, and lounging around in my hammock.

Initially, I had big plans to write a book with some of my best ideas/theories... But decided instead to just blog them. The word "blog" makes me think of bog, or some kind of ogre barfing.

Speaking of vomiting (I know, what a way to begin the post, right?), the other day I entered the word "Barf" in the prediction mode of my cell phone's texting. Since "case" and "care" use the same letters as barf, "Barf" actually comes up before "care". So often, when I say things like, "Take care", if I'm not careful, it will come out as "Take barf." Which is funny, let's be honest. So my friend Jarrett and I kind of had a go with this and here are some of the ones we came up with. My apologies for how many times the word "Barf" is used in this post.

"Would you like some hair barf products?"

"Oral barf products!"

"All you really barf about is me!"

"Always remember that it was your mom who taught you how to barf!"

"Would you barf to go on a date with me?"

And in response to any such question...

"I would not barf to see a movie tonight."

"I would not barf for any ice cream."

"I cannot believe how much you barf for people."

"This vacuum will barf for all your carpet needs."

"I really won't barf if you leave!"

And Jarrett... "Man, those are dang good ones. You are making me laugh and hungry. I am totally stopping for a dollar cone at McDonalds! Do you barf if I eat it in the car?"

"Man, I haven't seen Barf Bears in years! Want to watch it with me?"

"Handle with Barf"

and two of my personal favorites...

"I have always given great barf to the lady I work with."

"I wouldn't judge you or barf if you had bulimia."