Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Some things I wish I'd been the first to think of...

Summer is drawing to a close. I've already gone on a wonderful bike ride, explored my crafty side, worked, and taken a nap today. I also looked up room murals online, for some elusive future day when I am settled down and established. I've also been finding little gems here and there in my search to do so. I wanted to share, because, well, sharing is caring.
I thought this one was hilarious. My brother suggested putting real banana peels, but I thought, yeah, right! I've seen what happens to Peach's little racer when she hits one of those! Just don't hit the blue spiky ball. Those things are a killer!
Aw, dang. I know there's the Engrish thing... But I honestly don't think this is a joke!
This. Is. Ingenious. If only I had had these in my Advanced Spanish Grammar and Comp. class!
These are not gingerbread cookies. These are... Ninjabread cookies. They pack a punch, and probably somehow improve your reflexes by a light year or so.
I am so glad, and yet sad, that someone made this picture before I could. Sad because it means my "original" idea wasn't that original after all... And glad because I have had conversations about this exact topic before. UniCORN? I mean really, shouldn't they be called uniHORNS? No wonder they're extinct now. That stuff is de behst.... "Get that corn outta my face!"
I only wish I could see this in action for real. "Luke, I am your father. And because I am your father, I get to hit the pinata first." *slice and coterize*
"Nooooooo! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Oh, brother. Puns will never die, I suppose. Can't lie though, it made me laugh...

Hope you enjoy! I'm sure more will be on the way.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Swine Time

Pig heads are gross. And I think it's unfortunate that they always seem to die mid-bite. Can't people just let them finish the apple for once?

The Ultimate Antiques Roadshow

Saturday evening used to always bring baths, curlers, and the Lawrence Welk Show. Lawrence Welk is... for old people. Antiques Roadshow, on the other hand is not. Well, not necessarily. It used to be for old (ahem, "experienced") things. You know, people bring in their vases and family heirlooms, tell the story of the item, and get it appraised to see if it will pay for Great Aunt Ethel's estate, since she didn't leave it to you in the will. But I have discovered a way to bring a little.... creativity... to the show.
I want to go onto the set of Antiques Roadshow with my grandparents, or maybe someone else's. At first they will think I've brought them on set so they can see all the "swell" antiques and even get something appraised... But when I get to the front of the line, I will PLUNK the person onto the table and say That's what I want appraised. I admit that this may seem a little unorthodox, but keep in mind I am not SELLING people, I am merely getting them appraised (the decision of whether to sell them or not comes at a later date and after measuring pros and cons on a piece of paper). At any rate, my guess is it will bring in a sweet sum, for many good and valid reasons.
The conversation will go something like this. "This is a completely original item. I got it from my great-grandmother. I still have the certificate of authenticity. It's in its original packaging, and you can tell it's an original by looking at the shape of the nose. There has been some slight discoloration over time in the hair and face, as well as some evidential oxidation in the teeth. There has also been slight damage to the surface through time. Still very valuable, though, as it looks like many others but is, in fact, a one-of-a-kind item."

The only problem is...
Old people that are twins.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Twinkies: The cure-all food

Until a highly credible Internet source ("Big Mama Jane's Shark Shanty Blog") proved me wrong, I was under the assumption that Twinkies had an indefinite shelf life. Or at least a shelf life of a few decades. Under this assumption, I planned on living forever. How?
Well, if I eat enough Twinkies, my body will be so full of preservatives that my body will basically be immortal. Then, after another 20 years or so, BAM, another case of Twinkies (bought in bulk, of course) and I'm good to go for a while more. In this way, I will also maintain my youthful beauty (give or take (meaning give) 50 pounds or so). Lard gives a radiant glow. I've heard they are still good after nuclear blasts! Heck, they probably cure cancer. Okay, maybe not, and Mama Jane says they are only Actually good for 25 days on the shelf... Still, I say it's worth a shot. Just in case.

Oh, and just for information's sake, it only takes 45 seconds to explode a Twinkie in the microwave, says Hostess, and far less than that for your mom to pitch a fit about it.

Also, Mama Jane may or may not exist.

Scientific Theory: Why Women Shop

I have made a scientific discovery! It explains the reasons behind why women feel the impulsive need to shop. And this has real roots. I'm not making this up. I discovered it in my very own brain.
Please forgive the generalization, but I think it is safe to say that women are cleaner than men. We do less dirty work, we are more concerned about fancy gels and nice-smelling body washes, and we wash our hands more because we cook more. And this is where science comes in.
Did you know that the main component of soap is an ingredient called triclosan?
Let's look at this again.
Try clothes on.

Is it any wonder that women shop more than men? These subliminal messages are everywhere! There is nothing, as women, that we can do, except stop practicing everyday hygiene. Sorry men!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

ShamWow! update

You know, I've been thinking (a dangerous pastime). And upon further reflection, I have discovered how ShamWow can actually solve three, yes THREE, global crises. Tsunamis are a pretty big deal... Nothing to joke about, that's for sure. They destroy shoreline villages and cause all sorts of problems. But with ShamWow, the villagers can just line up along the shoreline, and hold up their ShamWows in the direction of the incoming storm! Forget sandbagging, these miraculous products will just absorb all the rushing, threatening water! THEN, when said storm is ceased, the villagers can send the ShamWows with some international humanitarian organization like the Girl Scouts and they can take them to a dry and crusted up third-world country and BAM, parched earth alleviated. And since the ShamWows are then more or less useless until another storm hits (so they don't suck up some unsuspecting person's body liquids), they can also be stuck into cracks that have been caused by earthquakes, making the ground not only even, but also very cushy and soft. Thank you, ShamWow, for helping the earth once again.