Until a highly credible Internet source ("Big Mama Jane's Shark Shanty Blog") proved me wrong, I was under the assumption that Twinkies had an indefinite shelf life. Or at least a shelf life of a few decades. Under this assumption, I planned on living forever. How?
Well, if I eat enough Twinkies, my body will be so full of preservatives that my body will basically be immortal. Then, after another 20 years or so, BAM, another case of Twinkies (bought in bulk, of course) and I'm good to go for a while more. In this way, I will also maintain my youthful beauty (give or take (meaning give) 50 pounds or so). Lard gives a radiant glow. I've heard they are still good after nuclear blasts! Heck, they probably cure cancer. Okay, maybe not, and Mama Jane says they are only Actually good for 25 days on the shelf... Still, I say it's worth a shot. Just in case.
Oh, and just for information's sake, it only takes 45 seconds to explode a Twinkie in the microwave, says Hostess, and far less than that for your mom to pitch a fit about it.
Also, Mama Jane may or may not exist.