Monday, December 27, 2010

Horrific Christmas Song Lyrics: A Rant

I, like many of you, bask in the Christmas season... The lights, the gift wrapping, and the general feeling of well-being that accompanies this time of year. It is my favorite time of year by far. But I, like many of you, have my goat gotten (it gets my goat?) by the fact that radio stations start playing Christmas music on Halloween, sometimes before (No white or White Christmas BEFORE Labor Day is My vote). The songs are of happiness, of Santa, and of a lot of other stuff that makes me laugh every time I hear it. So here is my list of awful song lyrics, for your consideration:

Disclaimer: I actually adore singing Christmas hymns and songs of the Savior and lament that it's only once a year that we actually sing them. The following is a list that, with few exceptions, has little to do with the actual birth of Christ.

Little St. Nick (Beach Boys):
"Christmas comes this time each year."
In case you wondered, Christmas is NOT, in fact, a semi-annual event.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year:
"There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago."
Now, my question is, who tells ghost stories at Christmas? It may have originally coincided with a pagan holiday, but really? We think this might be in reference to the ghosts of A Christmas Carol, but I still find it ridiculous. :)

What Child is This?:
"Haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of..... Mary."
I can just imagine the lyrics committee on this one... "Hey, can you think of anything that rhymes with 'laud' that would be a Parent of the baby Jesus? No?... Well, okay, we'll put in Mary." It is the only line that doesn't rhyme in the whole song.

Santa Claus Comes Tonight (Elvis):
"So let's give thanks to the Lord above, cuz Santa Claus comes tonight."
Um..... Elvis...... I think your logic might be a little... flawed.

Mary, Did You Know:
Pretty much the whole song. Considering an angel visited both her AND Joseph about the importance of the Savior's birth, I'm pretty sure she knew.

After thinking these up on my own, I took a poll of what others considered the weirdest/most annoying Christmas songs. I was SHOCKED at the passion of these people and their hate for certain Christmas "songs". I didn't mean to bring out so much angst, I promise.. But here's the list:

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... When I was little I had to sing that, because I lost my two front teeth. I was so mad." ~Andrea

Dominique the Donkey! This one got a few votes, and I'm inclined to agree. Cute, yes... Relevant in any way, not really. I did, however, get this helpful bit of knowledge... "Although the donkey is a part of Italian culture, I'm pretty sure they would be appalled by that song. In Italy or the northern part, St. Nicholas has a donkey, and to show appreciation, you leave food out for the donkey." ~Alesha

The Holly and the Ivy... When I was a child (this was not a part of the poll, just a personal side note), I thought the line that said, "The running of the deer" said "The ROTTING of the deer"... It always grossed me out.

I had several votes for "Santa Baby", which is probably the furthest from Christmas you can get, but we agreed that it is also funny depending on the mood you're in.

Okay, and I have to put one in for The Christmas Shoes song. While it makes my mother cry, it only makes me roll my eyes. Here's this mom dying, and her son is, where? Is he by his dying mother's side? NO! He's out buying her shoes. Does she even know where he is? Does the dad care? Is the dad even there? If not, this kid's got lots more to do than buy shoes... like... be put up for adoption (Don't hate. I know this is insensitive. Just sayin it like it is.).

"I have a hard time taking 'Little Drummer Boy' seriously cuz of the pa rum pa rum pum or whatever it is." ~Brittney
Also for this song: "It is weird and has nothing to do with the Christmas story and the events being described are like a pipe dream. Plus, the song has no discernible ending."~Keil
I wonder what mother would be okay with a kid playing a drum around her newborn baby. Just sayin.
"I hate 'The Little Drummer Boy'. Where in the scriptures does it talk about a drum?" ~Kimberly

Okay, I also just found, with a little help from my family (Also, I have been reminded that the non-fitting-in-the-meter lyrics of "What Child Is This" was Andi's idea), THE LEAST CHRISTMASY CHRISTMAS SONG EVER!!! First of all, it's by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. What a combo! And its lyrics are, in part, as follows:

You've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Strangers meet and willingly surrender
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.

Almost went to Aspen but something told me no
I considered Mammoth but there wasn't enough snow
And I even thought of Gattlinburg but that seemed so far to go
So I headed up to Tahoe for a Christmas on the slopes.

And I had fantasized about Christmas in this way
Curled up by a fireplace in a Tahoe ski chalet
With a fast talking lover with some slow burning wood
But even in my wildest dreams it never got this good.

And you've made this a Christmas to remember
Springtime feelings in the middle of December
Change the radio and I'll turn the lights down dimmer
Oh, oh, what a Christmas to remember.
Yipes! It reminds me of the scene in Love Actually when there are whales and Spiderman-kings and more than one lobster in the Nativity play!

"'Frosty the Snowman'! It's the thumpity thump thump part that kinda weirds me out."~Aimee

"I don't care for 'Happy Holidays' as it's rather politically correct."~Adam

There were SO MANY votes for "Last Christmas.", for the following reasons:
"The way the guy says 'special' is just creepy." ~Christa
(Also have you ever noticed the guy says "gev" instead of "gave", EVERY TIME?)
I gev you my heart...
"Yeah... What is this, a black market for organs? That doesn't even jive within the structure of the metaphor!" ~Matthew

"'I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas'... No one actually wants a hippo, they are ginormous and even though they are vegetarians, I think they could still kill me." ~Skyla
Someone else submitted one but quickly sent this instead: "NO!! I HATE!!! the song, 'I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!' I hate it. And I find it silly. In a bad way." ~Scott
Also, thank you to for the following information: "Despite being a vegetarian, the hippo is responsible for more human fatalities in Africa than any other animal, making it Africa's most dangerous beast."

"I'm not too good with titles. 'He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake' should raise all sorts of red flags." ~Matthew

"O Christmas Tree. Because I'm not German." ~Scott

"'Santa, Baby'. Isn't he married, and not so easily flattered?" ~Christopher

"'Baby, It's Cold Outside'. It's a date rape song." ~Delaina
Say, what's in this drink? And she wants to go but he wants her to stay... It's awful. I never saw it this way, but I'm sure I'll never see it the same way again.

"The 'Do you hear what I hear?' song. It's a travesty." ~Jenny
Along with her duly noted opinion, I wonder why the shepherds don't freak out when the sheep starts talking. But I guess the song wouldn't be as effective if it said, "Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, 'Baaaaaaaaaa.'

"'The 12 Days of Christmas'. Everyone and their dog has their own version of it."~Katie A.

"'Bring the Torch, Jeanette, Isabella.' Why can't I bring the torch? I would be really good!" ~Katie F.
I told her that was an excellent idea and she said she would start practicing a week before. I said to start small, like with a lighter or something and she said, "Baby steps. I will start with my phone lit up."

"Also, anything by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand should be RIGHT OUT, not even considered Christmas songs. They're Jewish! Capitalizing on the birth of someone you don't even believe in... Come on now."~Andi

"The weird one is 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. It killed my faith in Santa. And it made me think of my mom as an unfaithful woman and Santa as a homewrecker."~Grisel

"I saw 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' on the official KKK website during the holiday season back in high school once." ~Matthew

So thank you all for your holiday cheer, we'll see if next year brings anything new!

1 comment:

  1. "Mary Did You Know" was killed for me about 6 years ago. I was at my sister's choir concert that was combined with a local church. They sang that song, and an interpretive dancer came out. No way i can even think about that song without envisioning the man frolicking across the stage in tights. No thanks. Plus, I agree. Duh people... she did know. Angels are informative and get around to talking to people. It's all good.